Selfish or Selfless Choices: How to Decide When Both Feel Wrong

Life is a constant tug-of-war between being selfish or selfless. Do we chase dreams that fulfill us but might distance us from loved ones, or do we stay grounded, sacrificing personal goals for the sake of family and stability? It’s a dilemma that doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all answer.

Would you rather experience ultimate life satisfaction or choose self-sustenance if it meant sacrificing the life you truly want? Scenarios where both align are rare, and to those who have them, I salute with the highest stature.

The Weight of Passion

Bukowski, one of my favorite writers, wrote,

“Do what you love and let it kill you.”

and I think that this phrase carries so much weight in the idea that following our passions doesn’t always result in what most people’s ideal life looks like.

‘Most people’ being our own family, friends and in large, the society we live in. Some are keener on achieving that ‘ideal standard of living’ and that may be what gives them life satisfaction and that’s okay; while the rest can strive for life satisfaction with one penny a day type of life.

These are the selfish or selfless choices that define our lives.

It all boils down to whether we can sleep dreaming about running through hay fields in dungarees and rosy cheeks or whether we dream the type of dreams where the ground keeps falling beneath us and we can’t stop running.

The Illusion of No Choice

Some say that’s just how life works- you can’t always get what you want. But I choose to believe otherwise. I think we always have a choice, even when it’s the hardest one to make.

It’s like needing night to appreciate the day, or silence to understand sound. You can’t know light without a little darkness. Life is full of these contrasts. Some people accept things as they come, and others push to change them. Funny how we always seem to want what we don’t have. When choices are limited, we crave more. When we have too many, we wish for simplicity.

But when faced with selfish or selfless choices, we can either accept the limits or fight to create the life we desire.

Simple? No. But possible? Always.

The Selfish Side of Being Selfless (And Vice Versa)

Some may say that this philosophy is selfish because we are draining our blood, sweat and tears for something that’s truly and solely for us; but for the self it’s a selfless deed –for selflessly loving ourselves so much that we are ready to do something so earnestly, without knowing fatigue to achieve the end goal.

The Emotional Tug-of-War in Selfish or Selfless Choices

Consider this: you’re offered your dream job, but it’s far from home. Your parents, aging or ailing, rely on you. Do you stay close, choosing stability and family, or take the job and bear the weight of distance? Each option carries its own pain and reward.

• Taking the job could feel selfless—a sacrifice to build a better future, possibly to support your family more significantly later. Yet, outsiders might view it as selfish, as if you’re abandoning your roots.
• Staying home could be seen as selfless, a noble sacrifice. But some might see it as a loss of opportunity, a sacrifice of personal dreams.

Neither choice is easy, and each comes with its own burden of judgment and consequence.

The Weight of Opinions in Selfish or Selfless Choic

What I’m trying to convey is that no matter what decision you make, there will always be a good and bad side to it from all perspectives. For instance, you take the job and move away from home, then for you, it’s a selfless deed to yourself to carry the burden and heartache of leaving your family behind to pursue your dreams probably to support your family in the future. While people see it as a selfish deed because “you are ungrateful and don’t love your parents who have supported you your whole life.”

In the other instance, if you don’t take the job, you’re crazy! You lost the opportunity of a lifetime! While there may be people who appreciate your decision to reject the job, I think that the lamentations of our parents will supersede our sacrifices, perhaps being reminded on the daily and having to relive that for the rest of our lives. This is the narrative that has been heard and listened to for a lot of us.

Finding Peace with Selfish or Selfless Choices

The core of this dilemma isn’t about being selfish or selfless. It’s about understanding that every choice has its own complexity, shadowed by personal values and societal expectations. This blog isn’t just to share my thoughts but also to remind you- you’re not alone in feeling trapped in these dilemmas. Or maybe, it’s just to validate that I’m not the only one!

If you’ve ever felt the weight of societal or familial expectations shaping your decisions, especially when it comes to faith and identity, you might find some comfort in my reflections on navigating guilt and belief in God, Guilt, and the Quiet Panic of Growing Up Religious.