When you think about therapy, most will picture a one-to-one conversation with the patient and therapist sitting across from each other. Although that’s not how every therapy session goes, you can’t be blamed for only thinking that therapy is all about talking because popular TV shows and movies only show this side of therapy. Except for a few, the therapist is always a glasses-wearing, formally dressed, writing pad holding, excessively nodding person!

There are so many types and forms of therapy in the world. The extensive study of psychology has brought forward tons of pioneers, founders, and developers of different forms of therapy that benefit society in many ways.

Psychologists have always understood that each person is unique and thus needs unique approaches to tackle their problems. 

So, no. Talking is not everything a therapy session is. Depending on what type of therapist you go to, you will have different experiences. From more experiential methods to group sessions and practical home-works to role-playing, other therapists use a myriad of techniques to understand what the client needs.

Only those people with serious mental illness need therapy.

This age-old stigma has glued on to us like gum on our shoes. It never really goes away. There are always tiny traces of it left behind. 

Anything that gives you solace, lets you feel at peace and maybe takes your mind off of the stress a little bit, if not all, is therapeutic. 

You don’t need to have a ragging, life-threatening problem to go to therapy. People go to therapy all the time to help them deal with everyday battles. We all have our fair share of struggles that we face daily.

Not everyone who goes to therapy needs to pop pills to feel better.

People come for struggles with relationships, self-confidence, career choices, self-esteem, motivation, and so many more. 

When repressed, suppressed, and not dealt with, the minor, seemingly insignificant problems and issues are prone to manifesting themselves into more extensive issues and consuming power over you. 

Let me enlighten you with an example. If ten years ago, someone tells you that you’re dumb, the word gets engraved in your mind. You never deal with it because it was never a significant problem in your life, but every time you want to answer a question the teacher asks in class, you remember it, and it cripples you from answering the question for fear of being judged again. 

I can’t stress enough the power our mental state holds on our physical life. We think by suppressing such thoughts, we are growing, and we’re not affected by it, and yes, sometimes, it works. Or we pretend it’s helping even when it’s not. I think it’s okay that some people don’t deal with it and yet, go on to live undisturbed by it. 

More often than not, this issue comes back and manifests itself in many forms that we don’t even realize why it happens. This is where therapy comes in.

What you think might be a trivial matter could be the biggest struggle for some. So when someone comes to you for help on such issues, be open to lending them a listening ear; that could be all they need. 

You’ll never know unless you deep dive into your own self and uncover the truth. 

Psychotherapists blame your past for your present problems.

Therapists believe in “no shame, no blame.” The entire repertoire of a therapist consists of “no judgment” no matter what. 

The job exists for people to have a safe place to talk about problems without the fear of being judged or shunned. 

Contrary to popular belief, not all therapy focuses on the past. Yes, many problems can have their roots in the past, and uncovering the past truth will give you answers. There’s no denying that flipping through your book of life will undoubtedly bear the answers to some of the problems you have now. But sometimes, the answer lies in the now. 

Take Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, for example. Therapists who specialize in this form of therapy focus on the problem at hand. They do not need to know your past to understand your situation now. 

They separate the problem from the person and say that, “the problem is the problem; the person is not the problem,” and hence, there is less importance given to the problem, in a way, suggesting that the issue should not have the limelight in therapy. Instead, it is “Solution-Focused.”

You will immediately feel better after 1-2 sessions in therapy.

Therapy is not a quick fix. Unlike traditional pain killers, therapy does not have a one-stop solution to all your problems. 

They say “good things take time,” and I believe that taking your time to navigate through life, with each step, calculated in a way that benefits you, adds up to make a life for yourself that’s free from unnecessary stress.

A typical therapy session lasts 40-45 minutes, and this can be repeated 2-3 times a week, depending on your case and what your therapist deems is beneficial for you. Although, some new forms of contemporary therapy, like Brief therapy, are considerably shorter than traditional therapy. 

With that said, the beauty of therapy lies in the relationship you build with your therapist and vice versa. A healthy relationship takes time and effort from both ends; when you see this happen through days, weeks and months, it makes the relationship even more important to your mental health.

There is a fundamental importance in the building of a strong client-therapist relationship. Only if the connection is strong will you trust your therapist, be open, become more confident, and eventually allow you to accept and love yourself. 

Trusting your therapist is everything in a therapy session. And for this, you need a positive therapeutic relationship.

Therapists are there to give you clear-cut solutions to your problems.

You should never go into therapy expecting clear-cut solutions to all your problems. You can, but if you do, you’ll most probably come out of it discouraged or dissatisfied. 

The main goal of therapy is to guide you and give you the necessary tools to navigate your life correctly. Therapists are there to listen to your problems, understand how you feel, and develop coping strategies to help you find your way in life successfully.

In many ways, your therapist is the older adult in the movies, spewing wisdom, the person you meet to ask directions when you’re lost, the person that ushers you to your seats in a show; ultimately, your therapist is the one with the map. 

They first learn where you’re coming from, where you want to go, then give you the directions and all the tools you need to get there.

I once heard a saying that goes something along the lines of, “if you give credit to your therapist for feeling better, the job of the therapist is not yet complete. But if you credit yourself for getting where you are, then you have had the opportunity of finding the right therapist for you.”

The post Debunking five misconceptions about psychology: first appeared on SUNGJEM AIER.

The problem is the problem; the person is not the problem. – M. White & D. Epston

Whenever I get asked the question, “Who are you?” a hundred different answers run through my mind. I am a scholar for those who know the education system, I am ‘my name’ for those who are holding pens and writing boards, I am my parents’ daughter for relatives, I am my brother’s sister for those who know my brother, I am a friend’s friend for friends of friends (yes friend, 5 times!) I am a psychologist for my clients, I am a business owner for my customers, and I am a writer for my readers.

Even with this whole paragraph of identities that I and others have about me, I can still be another 100 paragraphs’ worth of identities. I think most of us can agree that the stories we tell people about ourselves change ever so slightly, as we change the people we tell these stories to. The story of a great party can turn into 3 different parties for 3 different listeners: one PG-13, one rated R, and another one for the long nosed ones!

Narrative therapy believes that you are the stories you tell about yourself. Reality is socially constructed and so, the interactions we have with people becomes our reality. We have multiple stories/narratives about our lives such as our hardships and achievements, our abilities, relationships, desires, hopes and dreams and so much more. These narratives shape our experiences and therefore, our lives.

The intention of this therapy is to open up space for people to create their own stories, so that they can have a sense of control over their realities and hopefully give their lives more possibilities. We tell stories that identify who we are by stitching together different moments in our lives into a cohesive whole. These stories carry the essence of who we are. By the logic of this type of therapy, the narrative you carry about your life is your reality.

If I carry a story about me as a good cook, I have come to this conclusion by putting together a series of events in my life where I was appreciated for the food I prepared. The more snippets of stories I add to this, the easier it is to demonstrate how I am a good cook because “someone once said…” My competence in cooking is fiercely dominated by the idea that I have done exceptionally well in a sequence of events while dismissing the times that I might have done a terrible job because it does not fit into the dominant story- that I am a good cook. In this way, a negative thought can also fester in your mind and try to convince you that you are in fact what you think of yourself. These are the “problem-saturated stories.”

Like many others, narrative therapy carries a political and social agenda- to help individuals liberate themselves from their culture dominated problem-saturated stories. These stories are ‘distorted,’ ‘disempowering,’ and ‘unhelpful’ assumptions that dominate our narratives; sometimes to a point where it might seem unlikely that an alternate story exists. At times these problem stories can be very difficult/ uncomfortable even just to listen to; these include stories and experiences of injustice especially those concerning race, gender or religion.

The problem story paints the picture of an event or an experience in such a way that it cripples the reality of the storyteller, making it seem like there’s no end to the problem and nothing can be changed. The narrative therapist will try to flip this situation by showing the narrator that there are visible choices and responses s/he can make to change the dominant problem story. The therapist helps the narrator tell his/her story from a different point of view, one that makes them more powerful, bigger and stronger than the problem.

Narrative therapy aims to brand the narrator as the expert in his/ her experience through capitalizing on the individual’s story-telling tendencies. The uniqueness of our cultures and societies birth different dominant discourses which can influence our personal narratives and become our realities.

If you think you are incompetent, why do you think that? Is it because someone once said it? Or because you hear it everywhere you go? Or have you been thinking that you’re incompetent after failing to reach a goal you once set?

Now, if you have a friend who is actually incompetent, will you tell him/her that s/he is incompetent to their face? And keep telling them daily that they are incompetent? Will you remind them every time they are called to do a task that they are incompetent?

We probably won’t. We actually won’t.

As social beings, we are bound by unseen and unwritten codes of conduct that keep us in check. These norms allow us to exist with other people peacefully, and we all strive for peace- not world peace (unlike many public figures!) but peace of mind. We all want to relax after a long day’s work. If you’re someone who wants to keep grinding, then you’ll probably strive for your own type of peace once you reach your ultimate goal.

With that said, why won’t we repeatedly tell our friends of their shortcomings? Why don’t we remind them always about how incompetent they are? Why do we refrain from pointing out their lack of ability to do something all the time?

We are conscious of their emotions. We are wary of our mindless negative talk. We are careful not to hurt them or their feelings. We are putting their feelings above everything else. We don’t want to hurt them. We want to maintain the peace between us.

Then if we go through this sensitive, self-aware, careful path for someone else’s feelings, why don’t we do the same for our own?  Why does hurting someone else’s feelings carry so much more weight than your own? How can you claim to love someone else, but not yourself?

If you won’t call someone else incompetent, unlovable, a hopeless cause, then why are you telling yourself the same every single day? Why live in a narrative that pulls you down under when you have the power and the capability to change it all? You do! You are the narrator of your life story. What you say and think about yourself manifests itself and makes its way through to the world outside. Therefore, you are quite literally what you think!

From the perspective of the therapist, these dominant discourses play the most vital role in creating the problem stories which bring people to therapy in the first place. Unlike most therapies, narrative therapy is focused on the way people construct meaning rather than on the way people behave. The prime detail in therapy is to separate the person from their problem so that the issues are externalized, creating a clear distinction between “an individual with problems” and a “problematic individual.”

Narrative therapy believes that all people have good intentions and don’t need or want problems. Which stands true because who wants to be prematurely bald, constantly burdened, stressed out and on edge? As the goal of therapy is to separate the person from the problem, once this is done, people are free to create and re-author their own stories. The therapists seeks to UN-label individuals as “the problem”

There exists a notion in existential psychology that believes in a world with no inherent meaning. (A detailed story for the next blog!) If there is no meaning in existence then people can create their own meaning. There is no absolute truth because people can have multiple interpretations of a single event/experience. Narrative therapy encourages people to create their own stories and negate the “universal or absolute truths” that do not necessarily apply to them. Finding meaning and purpose in your life that serves you and your truth is the final goal.

The post Re-author your life first appeared on SUNGJEM AIER.

Would you rather experience ultimate life satisfaction or be able to sustain yourself, if self sustenance meant that you couldn’t be satisfied with your life the way you want to? The scenarios where we can have both ideal life sustenance and ultimate satisfaction are very rare to find and to those who have them, I salute with the highest stature.

Bukowski, one of my favorite writers, wrote, “do what you love and let it kill you” and I think that this phrase carries so much weight in the idea that following our passions doesn’t always result in what most people’s ideal life looks like. ‘Most people’ being our own family, friends and in large, the society we live in. Some are keener on achieving that ‘ideal standard of living’ and that may be what gives them life satisfaction and that’s okay; while the rest can strive for life satisfaction with one penny a day type of life. It all boils down to whether we can sleep dreaming about running through hay fields in dungarees and rosy cheeks or whether we dream the type of dreams where the ground keeps falling beneath us and we can’t stop running.

I think some would say that that’s just the way life works; that we can’t always have what we want but I choose to stand on the other side because I believe that we always have a choice even though that decision can be the most difficult one to make.

Like how we need the day to have the night or how you need the silence to know sound, and how it takes some darkness to know the light; these opposing entities exist to make us see the black and white in everything. Likewise, we always have the ones who accept things as they come and the ones who decide to make choices. In this way sometimes we want more choices when we don’t have them and when we have too many, we wish for less. Somehow we always want what we don’t have and for that, I say, we always have a choice to either accept that we can’t have it or do something and create a change to get what you want.

Some may say that this philosophy is selfish because we are draining our blood, sweat and tears for something that’s truly and solely for us; but for the self it’s a selfless deed –for selflessly loving ourselves so much that we are ready to do something so earnestly, without knowing fatigue to achieve the end goal. Having options is almost always a good thing but sometimes we find ourselves in complex dilemmas throughout the different decisions we make in our lifetimes.  

In support, I would like to give a very real example- If one day you were faced with the decision to accept the job of your dreams but far away from home and family; or to stay close to home and reject the job of your dreams but maybe get a stable job near home, with family. To make this an even more intricate dilemma, if you had ailing parents or parents who have a proneness to fall suddenly ill or who are often times in need of medical attention, what would your decision be?

I guess the scenario here would be applicable specifically to homes with good parent-child relationships though there exists even more complicated relationships between parents and their off-springs but that’s another blog altogether!

What I’m trying to convey is that no matter what decision you make, there will always be a good and bad side to it from all perspectives. For instance, you take the job and move away from home, then for you, it’s a selfless deed to yourself to carry the burden and heartache of leaving your family behind to pursue your dreams probably to support your family in the future. While people see it as a selfish deed because “you are ungrateful and don’t love your parents who have supported you your whole life.” In the other instance, if you don’t take the job, you’re crazy! You lost the opportunity of a lifetime! J While there may be people who appreciate your decision to reject the job, I think that the lamentations of our parents will supersede our sacrifices, perhaps being reminded on the daily and having to relive that for the rest of our lives. This is the narrative that has been heard and listened to for a lot of us.

So I guess achieving life goals and ultimately, life satisfaction is a selfless or selfish deed depending on the perspective of the self and the outsiders’ view of the self. Although people talk vigorously that we should turn a deaf ear to opinions and views of others and believe in not letting outside opinions hamper our own decisions, we all know that these words tend to stay in our minds; they fester subconsciously and affect our decisions, sometimes without our knowledge. The end goal of this blog is just to let you readers know that you’re not alone in feeling buried alive 6 ft under dilemmas or maybe just to validate that I’M not the only one!!

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And then I felt it.

It fell- my heart

It fell from my chest and I didn’t even try to stop it

It broke.

I swear I felt it break

It broke mercilessly and nothing could stop it.

I felt it.

Bits of my heart in the rubble

I hear it wail in the heartache

I feel it.

The wreckage that is my heart

I feel it scratching against my skin

I let it consume me.

The post COST first appeared on SUNGJEM AIER.

It starts in the chest…

a little hollow, a little heavy.

In a walk-jog manner

picking up speed so fast, it skips over the lump in my throat.

Crash lands into soft flesh…

A little empty, a little crammed

in full throttle

with no signs of slowing down, it marmalizes my grooves and ridges.

Setting sail without a word…

a little relieved, a little hurt

in a sluggardly manner

makes its way down, down to the kickback.

The post CLOCKWORK first appeared on SUNGJEM AIER.

Take care of your body: Our brain is always ‘alive’ and working, taking care of essential internal activities such as breathing and keeping the heart beating. Just like fuel to engine, the brain needs its own fuel that comes from the food that we consume. Therefore, we are, quite literally, what we eat! It goes without saying that being in good physical health contributes to better mental health. It gives you ample energy to get through the day; even adding exercising and keeping your body active- which has been found to reduce anxiety and depression. Regular exercise can also help you sleep better at night, decreasing the likelihood of developing stress symptoms.

Stress management: Stressors can come from different sources depending on where, who and what we engage with, in our daily lives. A major contributor to mental health issues is stress, which if gone untreated, carry the risk of developing into complex mental disorders. Stress management techniques vary from person to person because we all experience stress differently and thus, deal with it differently. These techniques allow us to be calm in the face of adversity, build resilience and even develop healthy coping strategies. One important step in stress management is to identify the source of stress and learn to cope with it through different methods such as breathing exercises, meditation, relaxation techniques and even exercise. It is advisable to completely eliminate the source of stress whenever possible, for example, ending an abusive relationship or quitting a job that is causing too much stress.

Set realistic goals- For many of us, life goals change as we grow older- from wanting to be a superhero when we were children to becoming an engineer or a writer. Unlike this transition from childhood ambitions to more realistic goals, as adults, we sometimes tend to set unattainable goals for ourselves that eventually lands us in fatigue and burnout. Unaware of our capabilities, sometimes we aim much higher than humanly possible and feel discouraged when we do not reach them. Therefore, when we know our own capabilities and lay down a set of smaller, attainable, realistic and manageable goals, we have a higher chance at achieving them and will keep us feeling more motivated.

Break the monotony: A vacation to an exotic island, a trip around the world, going to a concert, taking your family or friends to a new restaurant, trying out a new look,  even just reading a new book. Changes, small or big, can have a positive impact on your mental health. A monotonous life has been found to have detrimental effects on the brain such as a decline of cognitive functioning. Monotony reduces your life into an endless cycle of dull and uninteresting chore-like moments that are repetitive, sometimes leading to boredom and loneliness or even depression. Taking the time to unwind and do something that breaks the monotony will positively impact your mental health; like a breath of fresh air, your brain will automatically register new activity and increase performance.

Socialize: Being social animals, we are attracted towards building relationships and we strive for companionship. Support systems hold immense value in the psychology of a person. Surrounding yourself with people you like to spend time with, people who share your thoughts and experiences or even those who challenge you in life is key to building and maintaining a stable mental health. Socializing can also be practiced through altruism or giving yourself to society like volunteering at community events. This gives you a sense of belongingness that is essential to a person’s growth towards self actualization, increasing self esteem, and even finding your own identity.

Find an outlet: Some people like to write, some like to paint, some like to make music while others might enjoy pottery, sculpting, and an endless number of hobbies. All these are potential outlets for healthy venting. Doing whatever makes you feel good about yourself, anything that calms you down when you feel agitated or stressed can be very therapeutic.

Seek help when in need: The most important step in taking care of your own mental health is knowing when you need help and realizing you need help. It is fair to say that we still suffer from stigmatization when it comes to mental health.  Some are scared to ask for help, afraid to look vulnerable and weak while some live in denial that no help is needed. Sometimes we are caught up in wanting to be strong for someone else that we tend to neglect obvious red flags in our own mental health. Love yourself enough to want to do what is best for you. When you accept help, you are already on your way to recovery. We should normalize looking out for ourselves because at the end of the day, if we don’t look out for ourselves, who will?

It is important to note that we are all unique human beings and we all deal with issues differently. There is no hard and fast rule about which way is better than the other- some methods may work for you while others may not. If the need arises, seek professional help as soon as possible and gradually work towards developing a stronger and better mental health.

The post 7 ways to take care of your mental well-being first appeared on SUNGJEM AIER.

In a world where everything is becoming more accessible to us, we face the dilemma of whether this is a blessing or a bane. Countless debates on the subject have born the answer that it helps us gain access to a number of things from the comfort of our homes. This is quite the conundrum given that this accessibility can work for or against humanity. For the most part, the outcome of this is dependent on how we make use of the information available to us.

‘Technology is a useful servant but a dangerous master’- Lous Lange

A large number of studies have found a strong association between digitalization and poor mental health. The most common problem is, perhaps, cyber-bullying. It is the idea of not being held accountable, hiding behind a screen that makes it easier to let go of inhibitions which may sometimes get ugly. The internet can also be home to communities that pose a threat to society. Even the idea of sex has become disproportionately unrealistic through pornography which is easily accessible to anyone. The content that is available to us, carefully curated to fit sometimes, harmful ideals, can contribute to the onset of mental distress and may perpetuate feelings of anxiety, social exclusion and body image issues.

A facet of the digital age that is placed on a pedestal is social media. It is true that social media has brought the world closer but at the same time, driven us apart. Social media has caused people to draw comparisons between their lives and the lives of the people online which often display only what they want people to see.  How much ever we understand that ‘nobody is perfect,’ this idea is seemingly impossible to grasp due to the content that we see. We strive for perfection based on this which poses a threat to mental health- having unrealistic goals that can hamper growth and sometimes even lead to depression, body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

Social media addiction has emerged out of the advancement of technology. There is so much content being created, each striving to be more different than the other which keeps us ceaselessly interested. There is also a fear of missing out which is like fuel to social media addiction and drives us to stay connected. The currency of ‘likes’ and ‘views’ provides the validation that we seek to feel good about ourselves, setting off a series of chemical reactions in the brain that work like any substance addiction.

Social media is so heavily integrated in our lives that we don’t go a day without checking into some social media platform. At such an impressionable age, it is not surprising that the overuse of technology has a more significant impact on developing children and teenagers. It goes without saying that they are more susceptible to the negative impacts of digitization and thus, mental health care concerning technology should be tailored to their needs.

Technology advancement has also shifted our outlook at health care. It is so easy for us to find help online these days. The moment we experience something unusual or uncomfortable, we log into the internet, see what the symptoms mean, which sometimes leads us into a rabbit hole, blowing things out of proportion and then we are left feeling like we have a deadly disease and only a few hours to live! While many of us are guilty of this, there is also a positive side to having almost everything online and accessible to us. We can opt for online counseling through the help of smartphone applications or through blogs and articles that address a myriad of issues. This is mainly beneficial to those seeking help who wish to remain anonymous. Although there are benefits to practicing self care, in many cases, seeking help in person potentially have a much better success rate.

These instances give us the answers as to why mental health is such an important aspect right now. Although the over or unlawful use of technology has placed a huge burden on our mental health, there are means to reduce the negative impacts of technology abuse such as practicing digital hygiene to help form a better, much healthier relationship with technology and foster connectivity to the real world. With growing evidences that suggest a strong association between mental illnesses and digitization, we are drawn to conclude that mental health is of utmost concern. Having a strong mental health means you are more resilient to adversities that can sometimes be unavoidable. Furthermore, mental health and physical health is strongly correlated so, maintaining a healthy body will contribute to a healthy mindset.

The post The world online. first appeared on SUNGJEM AIER.

YOUR PERSPECTIVE OF LIFE PROFOUNDLY IMPACTS YOUR MINDSET:

Being optimistic or pessimistic has always been a tell tale sign of how you are likely to react in a given situation. For instance, when we experience a setback, an optimistic person is likely to see it as a learning opportunity and brainstorm different ideas on how to overcome that obstacle; whereas, a pessimistic person is likely to see it as a sign to give up. In life, we all face situations where we have to make difficult decisions; and since mindsets are self-fulfilling; i.e. how you perceive stress affects how you respond to it, the type of outlook you have on life corresponds to how you act in response to these difficult decisions (stressors) in life.

According to Dr. Martin Seligman, founder of positive psychology, how you respond to life events is more important than the event itself. For instance, if a pessimist loses his/her job; s/he will tend to explain the incident in a ‘permanent, universal and personal manner;’ whereas, an optimist will focus on the ‘temporary, specific and external aspects of the incident.’ When we have a positive perspective of life, we tend to spend less time dwelling over unpleasant negative aspects because we are more focused on the good things. A positive outlook is not the solution to prevent all mental health illnesses but it can reduce the risk of developing them, especially mood and substance disorders. 

A HEALTHY BODY IS SIGNIFICANTLY RELATED TO A HEALTHY MINDSET:

Is there a problem because of poor diet, or is it the problem that contributes to a poor diet?

The mind and the body are connected in many ways. A healthy body reflects itself on your mindset. Feelings of wellbeing are more prevalent when you consume a healthy and balanced diet. For instance, whenever you are down with an illness, you experience an overall body weakness, you’re unlikely to want to socialize, and find yourself feeling a little more pessimistic than usual. Thus, our eating habits can contribute to increasing or decreasing our wellbeing.

Studies have shown that diet plays a vital role in development, management and prevention of various illnesses such as schizophrenia, depression and Alzheimer’s disease. It is not to say, however, that other treatments should be neglected while focusing on diet, rather, it should go hand in hand, amplifying the success of the treatments. 

Not only diet, but even physical activity has been found to have a positive impact on mental health. It has been observed by many researchers that exercise causes changes in the brain such as secretion of chemicals which keep the neurons healthy in the brain. Another way to keep the brain up and running is by doing brain exercise which includes puzzles like crossword or chess. 

THE PEOPLE YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH GREATLY INFLUENCE YOUR MINDSET:

A lot of how we make sense of the people around us has a lot to do with the “vibe” they give off. We often tend to pick up the traits of the people we spend time with. The values that they place on certain things tend to rub off on us, just like when we start picking up habits of our caregivers as children. By surrounding yourself with positive people, you naturally will begin to see things in a different light.

The principle of emotion contagion holds that the emotions of two or more people converge and are passed from person to person in larger groups.

Emotions are contagious. What’s more alarming is the fact that negative emotions are even more contagious! We dwell over negativity much longer than we celebrate positive emotions. For example, winning the lottery once will cultivate positive emotions that will perhaps last a few days whereas, losing a small investment or a few thousand bucks will leave us feeling negative emotions for a much longer period, sometimes even months. Subsequently, if you interact with an angry person, you are more likely to respond in kind and even project anger onto others and cause a chain reaction. Even when you’re in a crowd of strangers, you tend to feel the same way the crowd does even when you know that you might feel differently if you were alone, (example: mob mentality) unless you are consciously resisting it.

This is supported by the phenomenon of ‘group think’ which occurs when a group reaches a consensus without rational evaluation of the consequences of their decisions. It is based on a common desire of not wanting to cause conflict by opposing decisions. One famous example of ‘groupthink’ is the bombing of Pearl Harbor. The blatant refusal to take into consideration the possible consequences of our actions is why groupthink is a dangerous phenomenon which we experience more often than we think! It can come in the form of high-risk behavior such as anti-social and criminal behaviors, peer pressure, and can even influence political ideas.

Happy people make us happy, impatient people make us impatient, angry people make us angry. Surrounding ourselves with people who emulate positive emotions keep us feeling motivated towards achieving a healthy mindset. The type of people we interact with the most have the potential to change and influence our thoughts and ideologies fairly easily, this is why we have to be smart about who we allow into our social circles.

HIGH SELF ESTEEM EQUALS A HEALTHY MINDSET:

Self-esteem is the value that we place on ourselves. Research on self-esteem stresses the importance of self-esteem as crucial to the development of physical and mental health. Having a high self worth and self image is a part of increasing self esteem. If you have a high self esteem, you will be able to recognize your own good qualities and strive for a better life. Whereas, low self esteem has the capability to fester negative feelings about the self and negate them of achieving a higher self worth and a positive self image. A number of research points to the evidence that high self esteem has a positive relationship with better mental health. Alternately, low self esteem is associated with mental disorders such as depression, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders, violence and substance abuse. 

Building self-esteem starts by learning to love ourselves. When we do so, we will automatically strive for a better life and look for ways to do what is best for us. This leads to a more fulfilling and satisfying life. It is easy to put into words but the very act of self love isn’t the easiest thing to do for many of us. It is difficult to change the already formed deep seeded, negative thoughts about ourselves. It takes time and patience to challenge these cynical thoughts and learn to value ourselves and see that we are worthy of love and happiness.

Increasing self esteem requires a lot of work – a healthy body, practicing adaptive coping strategies and surrounding yourself with a strong support system that makes you feel loved and accepted is a good way to start this journey. Seeking professional help is also advised when self help is not successful.

HAVING A PURPOSE IN LIFE IS KEY TO A HEALTHY MINDSET:

‘Those who have a “why” to live, can bear with almost any “how”.’- Nietzsche

Having a sense of purpose is essential to leading a fulfilled life. People with a strong sense of purpose in life tend to do better on a number of different measures of mental health. Studies have shown that people who are heavily affected by their personal experiences found themselves struggling with emotions and resorting to maladaptive coping strategies and lacking purpose in life. This acts as a hindrance to them becoming a fully functioning person.

For Carl Rogers, the founder of client-centered therapy, a fully functioning person is the ideal personality wherein, the person ‘experiences freedom of choice and action, is creative and exhibits the qualities of existential living.’ According to Maslow’s theory of the hierarchy of needs, each person strives to achieve self-actualization, a state in which a person experiences the ‘fulfillment of talents and potentials.’ This is the highest state of mental wellbeing a person can experience which is achieved by having a purpose- the purpose to reach self-actualization.

Having a purpose in life predicts both good health and longevity. This means that finding meaning in your own experiences builds resilience and motivates productivity. Having a purpose in life is also positively associated with self-image and well-being. People with a strong sense of purpose tend to live a better existence with regards to mental health and well-being because they engage in healthier behaviors giving them a much more positive outcome in life.

These are some aspects that years of research have found to have a strong connection to cultivating a healthy mindset. Only one factor is not responsible for a healthy mindset, rather, a mixture of different approaches can be fashioned to your likeness. This will inevitably leave you feeling better about yourself and those around you will experience these changes along with you.

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When I was in the 6^th grade, I read a poem that said, ‘I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.’ It shed light and paved way for my unending ambitions and goals that changed as quickly as the seasons. Back then, so much of what the world held for me were endless opportunities.

When 9^th grade rolled around, I read about the struggles of a family to keep the water ‘up to the brim’ and ‘selfish little monsters’ who threw away half full glasses of water. I don’t know what I thought then but in retrospect, I think that it perfectly signifies what the world became in a short span of 4 years.

Some would say 4 years is a long time, but I beg to differ. 4 years is still one short of the 5 year plans that the world seems to think of as an ideal growing moment. I think that’s what is so messed up about the world. You’re expected to know what you can achieve in 5 years and who you would be in 5 years when actually that’s such a delicate question to answer. At least for me.

5 years ago, I didn’t know I would be writing blogs and articles about 5 year plans.

5 years ago, I didn’t want to write for people to read.

5 years ago, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be where I was.

5 years ago, I wasn’t who I am now.

‘You have to love yourself, before you love anyone else’– I always thought that was complete hogwash. I hopped on the bandwagon and held their flag as we raced passed others because to me, ‘if 50,000 people say the moon is black, then it is.’ I was a contortionist for the crowd and I was good at it. Until I had to rest my eyes from the dread of the day’s events and I found pools of tears where my eyeliner made the perfect wing. The world was a step down from hell and I didn’t know it at the time, neither did they. All I had to do was look pretty and smile, laugh at insults, and make fun of people who cared. I smiled so wide, my lips were chapped; I laughed loud, I silenced my thoughts.  In a perfect world, I was the perfect being.

No one had to know about the nights my thoughts brought me to my knees; pleading to let it end. No one had to know about the chapped lips and the skinned knees because the world helped you cover it up. All the clothes to hide your scars, all the makeup to hide your tear stains and most of all; the world gave you expectations. And like I said, ‘if 50,000 people say it’s okay, then it’s okay.’

It wasn’t just about fitting in; we had to be different too. “We should be different but not too much that people think we’re weird. We should be like them, but not too much; just enough to make them like us.”

How many more of ‘just a little bit’ until it’s all that you are?

Pulling myself under the covers, feeling the weight of the blankets on my chest like an elephant’s foot atop me, I try to slowly drift into a deep slumber but it rarely ever comes to take me. Lying under my own weight, everything comes back and I’m taken to an awfully familiar place. So the night starts.

5 years ago, I woke up to hypnic jerks every single day. To some, that’s biology. To others, that’s the body’s way of yanking you awake, to keep you alive, if you’re dying in your dreams. I read that somewhere. But to me it felt like I wanted to go where the dreams were taking me but my body wasn’t ready to give up. This was not living nor was it survival. This was me, cutting down the days to go like a prisoner sentenced to life. In kindergarten, I was the little brave one. Fast forward 12 years and there I was, scared of my own thoughts, afraid to be me. I can’t piece together a reason for who I was and maybe I can never narrow it down. You see, life’s like that.

Let’s skip a few years to when I was 19. I stumble upon the greatest inspiration of my life: Bukowski; and in his words, ‘If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.’  

What fascinates me about this line is that he writes “IF” you have the ability to love, insinuating that you may or may not be have the ability to love. It’s the most refreshing thought to the mind if you have been beaten down black and blue by the world trying to shove their idea of love down your throat- to teach you what love is supposed to be or how we are supposed to love, who, and when.

For the first time in a very long time, I doubled down and walked with my thoughts. I bounced on the springboard and deep dove into the darkest tunnels. And no, it’s not an admirable moment, I’ll admit, I was ashamed at what I let the world do to me in many ways than not. It’s not like the movies and the books and the stories where there’s daylight when you finally have an epiphany and after dawn, you’re a whole new person.

“Remember to breathe”- I repeated over and over to myself.

It’s funny because you’d think you don’t have to remind yourself of the most basic human reflex but to me it felt like a subconscious energy just trying to let it all end because the brain is registering immense pain and discomfort from all the poking and nudging into tunnels, boxes and areas marked with big red Xs which have probably gathered dust through the years.

It’s not so easy to change a narrative you’re so familiar with and to negate thoughts that are deep-rooted in your whole being. If tomorrow the world was going to run out of potatoes; just- no more potatoes ever! And of course we can’t know what the future holds so we don’t stock up on potatoes and the world became POTATO-LESS and we’d just have to do without it for the rest of humanity. No mashed sides, no baked lumps of heaven, no fries! Can you imagine living without fries? It’s one thing to never have had fries in your life and another to have it taken away from you. Anyway, what I’m saying is, if you had to do without a potato when all you’ve known is the potato then it won’t be easy to adjust to the idea. Heck, I’ll bet many of us would still order fries at restaurants like a habit that’s difficult to get rid of.

Just like that, when all you’ve known is this narrative, this person and all the things, the stories, and the people who made you, you; it’s difficult. We are all intricately intertwined with each other in so many ways, we may not even realize it now but it’s because of this complexity that changing one’s narrative isn’t easy. What affects you, affects people around you, and around them and like a chain reaction, every little action plays part. Narrative therapy is centered on this idea, to change your idea of you and your life for the better but for that you must able willing to make the sacrifices, to take the blows and to still stand up even when it feels like you’ve broken all your bones in your body.

A humongous amount of conscious effort and 5 years later, here we are. It felt like I was waking up from a terrible dream. Not the kind where you’re jolted awake, no. It was the kind that you wake up from and feel a sense of relief that it was just a dream. It was like I could breathe again and the elephant’s foot was now warm and comforting. So yes, there’s something about being defeated by your own thoughts that break you as a person. But ‘broken’ is not ‘useless’ and I think we often interchange these meanings and forget which narrative to follow. Broken can be repaired; broken is in the past; broken paves way for new things.

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I’m struggling to hold on to my sister hanging from a cliff. I don’t know how we’re in the midst of an Armageddon, running for our lives and fighting off demons. Like quicksand, the ground beneath us is pulling us towards the earth’s core. Each step feels so heavy it pulls our feet down as we try to outrun them. Every time we stop, the ground below us starts falling like the earth was hungry for a million years and now it’s ready to swallow us whole so we keep running. Sometimes it feels like my joints have given up, and I’m only running because I think I am. I feel every little pain; I can feel the small scraps of stones bouncing up and hitting me as I run past it; there are broken glasses, nails and sharp edged pebbles that poke through my worn out sneakers and into my feet. I can feel all the open wounds. I can feel them throbbing. I can feel the blood soaking through my socks.

And then suddenly, like nothing happened, everything comes to a halt. Eerie stillness envelops us, as my breath finally starts to normalize. I turn to look at my sister but I can’t see her. Frantically, I’m crying out her name and looking around only to realize that we’re almost at the peak of the hill. There’s nothing but dust that covers the valleys around us. I hear my name but it sounds like it’s coming from underneath the ground. I place my ear to the ground and slither my way towards the sound. Finally, I’m at the edge of the cliff and she’s there, hanging by a branch. Almost involuntarily, I fling my arm towards her, desperately trying to reach her. I got a hold of her right hand but I can feel my body getting hot; it starts from my head- it starts to feel like it’s going to explode from pressure, then my ears get warmer. I can feel the sweat beginning to gather near my temples, my palms are also getting sweaty. I can feel her slowly slipping through my fingers. I can feel the sweat from my brows, gathering at the tip of my nose, leaving my body and falling. I’m watching it free fall, trying if I can see it reach the bottom, listening for a splatter. I don’t hear it reach the bottom. My heart is pounding right out of my chest. I’m barely holding on with my feet buried in the gravel.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE IN OUR DREAMS?

Before I could wander off into that thought; in a flash, mustering inhuman-like strength, I yank her whole body up and we lay panting and gasping for air. That’s something admirable about dreams. Anything is possible; nothing is impossible. We just burst out laughing for a good few seconds. This feels weirdly wholesome. Like clockwork, it’s 1:00 AM in the real world but I have no way of knowing this because I’ve been told you can’t tell time in a dream. It’s got something to do with our left and right hemispheres; like how one works without the other.

The brain is perpetually in a complicated relationship; sometimes it prefers to work alone and sometimes it’s a needy friend who constantly craves for attention from the other side. I say this because I’ve read that when one part of our brain tries to sleep more quickly than the other, we are jolted awake. Talk about petty!

Right on cue, my body also responds with a jolt. And suddenly I realize that I can’t move.

Oh no. Not this again!

It’s midsummer and I hardly have a blanket on me but it feels like boulders and boulders of rocks atop me. I’m screaming for help but nothing escapes my mouth other than frail breaths. My jaws are so heavy. The pain is excruciating.

10 years ago, at a campfire, my friend told me to “always move your toes” when you feel like you’re trapped or you can’t move or talk in your sleep. And I’ve remembered that even after all these years because I’ve had to use that more often than I would like to admit. I don’t quite understand the logic to it but I don’t think she did either. It’s just one of those things you say and it passes on from one to the next.

The gut wrenching moment comes when I realize that this is happening in real time. I’m awake and aware of what is happening to my body. I can feel the stiffness in my bones. My breaths: short and stunted. I can feel the room- I can feel the breeze from the open window beside my bed, I can hear the rattling of the ceiling fan above me and I can feel his presence at the edge of my bed. So quiet, so tall, he hovers over my bed. I wonder why he isn’t doing anything. I’m anticipating an attack. Isn’t that always the case? The action in itself isn’t nearly as horrific as the anticipating thought.

“It’s always darkest before the storm” because I guess, at least we see lightning in the storm.

My eyes are shut. I don’t know if I’m trying to keep them shut or if I am unable to open them. The darkness somehow, is so comforting. I could turn on my bedside lamp but the horror of seeing something in the light paralyzes me.  My limbs are rigid. I can’t move my body, not the slightest bit; not even to touch my Bible that I keep under my pillow. And I’m thinking of all the ways that I can find comfort if I just reached under my pillow. It’s not that far away- if I just turn, if I just shrug my shoulder a little, if I just move my head towards it, if I just…

There’s just something about being bested by your own subconscious that breaks you as a human being.

I don’t want to give up but as I’m struggling, he’s smirking at my feeble attempts, hushing me, drying my tears. He climbs onto the bed, lies down beside me and holds me. My back is turned to him and he lifts his head, his lips pressed to my ear, and whispers, “never sleep again.” I feel a gush of wind enter my ear like someone tried to blow dry it. Suddenly I can open my eyes. I’m in a fetal position, in a pool of my own sweat. The curtains are dancing with the rhythm of the breeze and I reach under my pillow.

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