The cost, a relentless tide…

And then I felt it.

It fell- my heart

It fell from my chest and I didn’t even try to stop it

It broke.

I swear I felt it break

It broke mercilessly and nothing could stop it.

I felt it.

Bits of my heart in the rubble

I hear it wail in the heartache

I feel it.

The wreckage that is my heart

I feel it scratching against my skin

I let it consume me.

The post COST first appeared on SUNGJEM AIER.

Clockwork gears grind, a feeling starts low…

It starts in the chest…

a little hollow, a little heavy.

In a walk-jog manner

picking up speed so fast, it skips over the lump in my throat.

Crash lands into soft flesh…

A little empty, a little crammed

in full throttle

with no signs of slowing down, it marmalizes my grooves and ridges.

Setting sail without a word…

a little relieved, a little hurt

in a sluggardly manner

makes its way down, down to the kickback.

The post CLOCKWORK first appeared on SUNGJEM AIER.

Think about what you’ve wanted to be as a kid. For most of us, the world was happy and kind and we could be anything we wanted to be. Fast forward and here we are, writing a blog in the middle of a lockdown, reading about “flattening the curve,” and listening to podcasts that list everything wrong with the world.

Such a downer, isn’t it?

We’ve wanted to be medical health professionals to save someone.

We wanted to be educationists to teach someone.

We also wanted to be artists to inspire someone

To be in businesses to help someone

To be politicians to uplift someone.

And we wanted to be in services to assist someone.

But right now, the world feels vague and uncertain. With leaden steps, all that we worked towards is piling up and becoming what I would like to call, TRASH.

We’re still pushed towards a lot of deadlines and expectations that seem meaningless now. What we were taught as children: “to follow our dreams” has gone right into the gutter because all I dream about is larger than life cats that birth humans with whiskers and I’m not even a cat person.

The Hard Truth

What has left me totally flabbergasted is the idea that we have brought these pandemic woes upon ourselves. I mean it’s hard to admit mistakes and own up to what the world says is our own fault. But 3 months into this lockdown and I’m starting to accept this heavy truth. We are terrible at this; at being humans.

Not always, not everyone, but enough to make a global mess.

I don’t speak for everybody and I’ll bet my life on it because even to blog has taken me several years. I’ve always been afraid of what my ideas might sound like to some. I’m not all for “constructive criticism” however immature that makes me sound. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this realization has brought me full circle. Now I’m looking at my own life and see how much time I’ve wasted being bothered by something that is innately us.

Facing the Existential Crisis

The pandemic has forced us to sit with ourselves, and that’s a scary place to be. So, yes, we’re not the best at being humane towards our own species and that’s another problem altogether. But right now, trying to live with a virus that has the power to wipe out humanity has left me in an existential crisis that maybe most of us don’t want to address.

And the only way to come out of this still standing strong is perhaps, take a moment and look at the lives that we’ve created and fostered and nurtured into something so terrible that I’ll bet the devil is even afraid to tempt us anymore.

Maybe pondering upon this thought will push us to do something a little more than pass the blame and live perpetually smacking our heads and gasping at headlines.

It’s not about grand gestures, but small steps towards being kinder, more aware, and maybe just a little less human in all the ways that hurt us.

Just Figuring It Out

It all sounds so dreadful and I sure didn’t think this is how my first blog was gonna go. A Friday afternoon, sitting in the sun, thinking about a cat that birthed humans and writing this almost depressing post about what it is like to be human in 2020.

The post PANDEMIC WOES first appeared on SUNGJEM AIER.